I don’t want to be here. Great name for a blog huh? So much truth in those words. Countless clients come to me and a vast majority deep down feel this way. I ‘get it’ because I have it too.
If you are sensitive and haven’t disassociated yourself with spiritual bypassing, some form of drugs, or lying to yourself that we are living on a planet with our best interests at heart. Or you haven’t been brain washed into thinking that it’s a ‘perfect life’ working 9-5 jobs with no purpose, 2 kids and a mortgage you can’t afford.
Then you may notice other things happening, things that don’t really fit in with this story…
Let’s start with genocide, wars, famine, feminine mutilation, climate global warming, religion, debt, animal torture, child abuse, rape and any other form of violence, domination and destruction carried out on another sentient being. It’s disgusting.
How can anyone tell me that I am lucky to have been born on this planet?
Fuck off – it’s a prison planet, hell hole.
If any of you are sensitive enough to feel the cry of Gaia as she is raped of all her natural resources and brutally torn apart. How could anyone say the world is a beautiful place?
The majority of mankind is unconscious, disconnected from their souls and hell bent on self destruct.
If you are sensitive enough and aware enough to watch what is happening and feel your soul scream every time another rain forest is destroyed, animals hunted and slaughtered in millions daily. Then why the fuck would you want to be here?
I listen to all the ‘spiritual stuff’, be grateful, acceptance, surrender… But I can’t. How can I? I can’t accept that I’m fucking human. What a disgusting, nasty, despicable race of mini narcissists and sociopaths running around trying to prove themselves right by hurting and controlling other sentient beings.
I’m not talking about the people I meet and connect with. The people in my life that are kind and compassionate, the people that I cross paths with and fall in love with in the moment. Those are moments where your soul kisses another. It could be fleeting; those times where you meet the person and see how much goodness and kindness there is out there.
I’m talking about the collective unconscious mess we are all in.
If you don’t want to be here then you are not alone. Deep soul pain and yearning is the intrinsic awareness that the suffering around you is very real. So many people are scared to say it. Probably because if they say it to the wrong person they will get a volley of how ungrateful they are. Look what mummy and daddy sacrificed to make your life happy? Go meditate and feel your fucking bliss. This is different. It’s deeper than that.
There are many of us out there like you.
There are days I do not want to leave my bungalow because the suffering around me is too much. I have amazing times also and beautiful encounters but I am empathic and I feel it, so fucking deeply.
We are in a world that needs to evolve and change now.
Maybe not wanting to be here is what pushes me to make those changes. It pushes me to rebel and say ‘No’. I left the UK because I couldn’t live in the Western World. I couldn’t understand why people voted because every politician I saw was a carbon copy of the one before. It didn’t matter which party was elected. It always ended the same. The same lies. The same disappointments and the same mass human and animal slaughter.
I was not born on this planet to submit or comply to any other human.
Especially when they are so soul dead, obviously stupid and thrive on some sad little notion that having power over others is some ultimate ego achievement. You pathetic little individuals. Fuck off.
So not wanting to be here is normal if you have a heart, feel compassion and want to make this world a better place. It’s common in spiritual people, empathic hearts, rebels and activists. It’s common in the abused, the used and the traumatized.
Often the suffering, if it doesn’t shut you down creates the call and need for change.
My message to you is please don’t leave. The thought of just falling asleep and not waking up and having to see the dark crap that frequents this planet is so tempting. A deep part of me remembers what it was like before I was human. A part that knows what love really is. And this isn’t it.
If you don’t want to be here then I ‘get it.’
I’m not going to try and change that or talk you out of it. I’ve told you my personal gripes. But I am going to ask you what are you going to do about it? Are you going to fight for the changes this world so desperately needs? Or are you going to hide away and let sociopaths destroy, manipulate and control everything?
I know why I’m here, even if I don’t like it. I came back for the love of those that don’t have voices. I came back for love. I love this planet. I love the animals. I came back for the vulnerable that aren’t protected or seen and in order to push for change its humans that need to shift. I came back to be the voice for those that don’t have that luxury and if you are reading this then maybe you chose the same.
It was a problem I had that bound me in endless pain and frustration.
The not wanting to be here. A deep soul rebellion until recently I mentioned it on a thread on Facebook and it took one wise soul to ask me one question that changed my perspective.
“If you say that watching the pain in this world breaks your heart. Would you consider that you came back for love?”
Everything slowly fell into place. My heart melted. The truth resonated so strongly throughout my body. I still don’t want to be here but I’ll stay. I’ll finish what I started. My purpose is clear. And that’s my question to you.
Why are you here?
Remember who you are.
Did you come back for love too?
It may not be easy. You were probably born into a life where love was far from what you experienced. Your wounds and pain may overwhelm you at times. But you are strong. Any soul on this planet waking up right now deserves the up most recognition.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being brave enough.
Pain/love, courage and change.
Never forget who you are. We need you. Gaia needs you.
Open your eyes beautiful soul and know you are not alone.
We are the change. What are you going to do today to make the world a kinder place?
Love and blessings and up most respect.
Resonant read Abi, heartfelt and earnest and yes I am here for love and so many days it is a chore, but yes it is all about love.
I’ve rarely read anything that resonates with me so much. Thank you so much.
(Oh, and I can’t help proof-reading – you may want to change ‘up most’ to ‘utmost’.)
What distant glimpses of memories strike the tuning fork in your heart?
I don’t want to be here
I want to be
yes….I came back for love….soulfully tired but committed, I see you xx