I don’t have a PHD.
I’m not a scientist or a psychologist that can explain intellectually what is going on in the brain of one of these sick fucks. I can however share my experience of having been around a sociopath and the effect it’s had on my life.
I’m doing this because by sharing my story it gives others the courage to share theirs too.
I’m doing this because it has to be done.
Now, today, somewhere to someone, this is happening and that it needs to stop. The only way for it to stop is for people like me to come forward and say no. People like me to tell others what it does and how it destroys you. It takes people like me to have the courage to bare their souls.
My father was a sociopath.
I don’t believe he started off that way. I believe that like me he was an empath; highly psychic, sweet, gentle and too sensitive for this world. He was abused. I have no idea when it started. I do know that by the time I was born my father was a Freemason. He was into black magic and joined a Satanic Cult. My brother found the lodge book when he died.
My father sacrificed me.
The first memory I had was a flashback at 14 years old. I was so small I could barely walk and he was dragging me through a forest. I was beyond terrified, people in dark hoods, chanting carrying fire torches.
The rest of the memories didn’t start coming back until I was 33.
My life in between was a series of sexual abuse, physical abuse, self-harm, addictions, trauma and attempted suicide. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was frozen inside. My body felt numb and dirty.
My entire family was toxic.
I have written about some of what happened but this is how it all began.
I was a sacrifice. In one of the rituals they baptized me into Satanism. They tied me up. They cut open animals. Symbols were painted over me in blood. They put an inverted cross over my womb. I was a toddler. They used me for their disgusting sick rituals and then they violated me. I don’t know how many rituals I was in.
I do know the damage it caused to my soul.
A baby has no protection from such evil. In order for it to stop a child will do anything. The terror and fear I experienced was so extreme that to escape I would leave my body.
That is where the mind control comes in because once you disassociate they have you.
You have already left self. In order to survive your mind creates new personalities; personalities that they ‘suggest’. They scare you beyond anything you can imagine, make you drink blood and fill you with their evil.
When you become conscious again they ‘comfort you.’
You learn that sex and fear are the same. You learn you must submit or they’ll kill more animals or do it to other children. I was pulled out of the rituals before I was raped. However, the sexual abuse, the black magic and the torture I received ripped my soul wide open. It left me paralyzed, left me frozen in my own eternal hell. I carried that dark frequency with me everywhere.
At 14 I began to self-harm. At 21 I tried to kill myself. I held a bread knife up in the air and threw it down across my arm with all my force. At 23 my boyfriend tried to strangle me to death. I was used to violence, it was regular. By 24 I was a stripper.
I carried on self-harming and self-medicating on drugs and alcohol from 14 years old until I left the UK.
I didn’t stop after that. It just began to slow down the more work I did on myself.
The men I picked in my life were fucked up.
How could I possibly find a relationship that was good for me? All I knew from my upbringing was fear, exploitation, betrayal, abandonment, sexual abuse, physical violence, neglect and punishment.
Even as I got older and healed myself more I still picked men that loved me but abandoned me or betrayed me.
It may have been on a smaller scale but it was still there. Men that couldn’t put me first. I never had that.
My father was a sociopath.
He would change. He would turn from Jekyll to Hyde. My step mother was involved also. She’s still alive. We have no contact.
I’m most of the way through my self-healing but what I went through is something that you cannot imagine.
It is a place so dark, so sick and so disgusting that it is impossible; unless you have been there too.
As a result of the ritual abuse, for the first 20-30 years of my life I experienced rape, torture, being beaten and manipulated.
I repeatedly attracted the same energy.
My relationship with my father I cannot forgive.
I cannot rest until every part of him is out of my system, until I am completely healed. On a spiritual level I can understand that he must have been so tormented that this what he chose.
On a human level I say to him and every sick fuck out there doing this shit ‘Fuck you.’
Fuck you dad for being so weak and pathetic that you dumped it all on me. You died of cancer. I even nursed you through it and took care of you. I held your hand when you died, I was there for you. That’s before I remembered. I had to be the strong one.
You were my father and you were supposed to protect me. My father was a sociopath. He slaughtered my soul and it’s been over a decade picking up the pieces.
The only way out for me is to keep healing.
I no longer have post traumatic stress disorder. I’ve healed disassociation personality disorder. I’ve rescued the multitude of child fragments that are still crying out to be loved, to be heard. The parts that were still tied up covered in blood. The parts that blamed themselves for the animals they tortured and the other children they hurt because I couldn’t protect them.
I was a toddler and I couldn’t stop it.
I’ve been in intense therapy for nearly two years now. Before then a decade of spiritual healing and yoga, meditation – you name it I’ve done it. It helped but you can’t escape the healing you need to do on your emotional self.
That’s why I hate New Age spiritual bypassing.
Anyone tell me to meditate through this I will rip their head off.
It would have been easier to die than do what I’ve done. Still now remnants of my past come back and haunt me. I’m strong I know that. I have people that love me. People look at me and think my life is good but they don’t see me the days I go down.
They didn’t see when my hair fell out when the memories first came back.
The times I had to fight the impulse to end my life by slashing my wrists. They programmed me to kill myself when the memories came back. The rituals were with knives. They don’t know about the decades of nightmares of rape, mutilated bodies, being attacked in my sleep. They don’t see the days where I can’t leave my bungalow because I’m ‘dealing with another layer’.
People don’t see the depth of the damage that was done.
They don’t know that most of my money has been spent on therapy. I have spent thousands and thousands of dollars while everyone else gets on with their lives. I stay on an island waiting for the next emotional pain tidal wave to smack me in the face. Satanic ritual abuse destroys everything and just when you think you have got to the end, there’s more to heal.
When I’m in a good space then I am ‘the healer’, ‘the mystic’.
I’m the one with the huge light that everyone notices when I walk into a room. The one with the ‘easy life’ living in paradise, the pretty one, the goddess, the empowered woman. That’s how far I’ve come.
You know what happens the more conscious you become?
The more you see the lies, corruption, the pain and suffering. You can’t ignore the curse of the sociopath. We live in a world controlled by them.
They used to burn the witches.
Maybe catching them in childhood as babies is even better. Turn them. Fuck them up. How many of us didn’t survive this? How many children are still going through this?
This is Patriarchy.
My father was a sociopath in a secret society. A Freemason – the Masonic lodge.
This is still happening. My step mother is still alive with her rotten soul. I’ve reported the ‘historic crime’. I’ve been to the police. It’s logged but unless others come forwards there’s nothing I can do. There’s no laws to help with recovered memories. No laws that protect the innocent.
All I can do is spread awareness and say it’s real.
It happened to me.
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To say I hurt for you cannot say enough. I am almost embarrassed I can say no more at this point. I am too lost in your sharing.
Thank you for your compassion. We need more in this world, it’s changing slowly. xxx
Dear Child of this Earth,
You are so right. We need to protect the children. They are also destroying children with vaccines and psuedo/toxic food.. With so many being fooled and manipulated, we must speak out however we can.
You are awesome.
Another damaged Child of this Earth
I know. There is a war on consciousness right now and it is being directed in every area of all of our lives… That’s why I am sharing my story and will continue to do so because it’s time we all start coming together on this. Vaccines, poisons, monsanto, cruelty in every area of our upbringings, our food, the air we breathe… The only way we can stop it is by changing and that starts with people like us. Thank you xxx
Oh my God you just told me my childhood. Only I didn’t know it until I read it. My father and both of my grandfathers were Freemasons. I don’t remember anything until I was for but I know that I was being sexually abused at 4 by stepfather. I was spent the last three months in bed wondering what is wrong with me. It’s a daily battle not to slice my wrist. I am 59 years old.
Reminds me of an interview by Teal Swan. https://youtu.be/B1CxV_nISyE
Sending you so much love Abi. Thank you for your sharing. Thank you for Surviving. Thank you for being LOVE in the face of Evil. You feel like Mother to me and I’m so glad I’ve just found you. XX
I just saw the words of my life!
I was beaten and sexually abused by my father too and as an adult, I was targeted by other adults using black magic. I already had trauma from childhood trauma and now I have to somehow recover from the mental torture those people put me through. They are also sociopaths. They are out of my life (in the physical plane at least) but I know they are still out there hurting people and that they are pedophiles. I have a hard time relating to people unless they have suffered. When I started meditating, I became very angry and cried all of the time because it brought those unconscious feelings to the surface. What makes me really bitter is that I always wanted to help people more than anything, especially children, but I was never able to do that because I was trying to self medicate from my trauma. I really don’t know how to deal with the pain because a part of me fiercly holds onto it out of respect for others’ pain. I don’t want to be truly happy in this life unless the innocent are free from torment. I honestly think it makes me the most angry that there are so many people and animals suffering and I feel as if their suffering cannot be tolerated any longer. I know I am nothing in this world, no strong force, not powerful or educated or brimming with abilities but as I read your words I felt your pain and I loved you and I know that’s not much but it’s all I have. I know this sounds really lame and childish but I was really angry that God or higher evolved beings don’t help us out more but sometimes I feel as if they suffer with us instead and that the best thing about this ugly world is that everything changes, nothing is permanent and we will all be free eventually. I don’t feel dirty or wrong for what happened to me out of respect for others that have been abused. I was getting perceptions that forests and trees are burned to the point where its intolerable and then it’s undone in time.. I am not sure if that has to do with the fact that human beings, when not stunted mentally/spiritually are supposed to be time travelers and that time is not linear. Maybe in time humans will evolve to the point where they can change their futures and past through time travel done within the mind. I have read its possible and monks already know how to do that type of stuff, so perhaps actions really do get unraveled/undone at a certain point. I have read about people being able to completely change their memories as they shift.
That gives me some hope. I’m sorry for rambling and I do love you.
Your story mirrors my own. Tears. I am many now, over 200 live within. We still fight for freedom 30 years on. I feel in my heart your story. I understand the pain. My father was a Mason too. Thank you for sharing so deeply.
I just want to say Much Gratitude to (and for) you Abigail. I can honestly say that I DO understand that darkness. I too experienced satanic ritual abuse as a child in my adoptive family, from about 20 months old until I cut off contact when I was about 20 years old. I spent 20+ years doing the internal work, healing all the parts of me, I too went through self-abuse with cutting/eating disorders/a suicide attempt, breaking through ptsd at the end of 2012. Now I’m in the midst doing intensive clearing out of all of this AI crap, tech and overlays, all the cords, all the demonic and dark things that attached to me during the torture and abuse and fed off my fear. I can now speak about this freely, that I went through satanic ritual abuse as a child. I used to live behind a wall to “protect” other people from all this crap, because it can traumatize people just hearing about it as well. However, I realized that I wasn’t protecting anyone… and I was harming ME. So now, when it feels appropriate, when Divine Timing comes into play, I open up my heart and stand in my Truth and speak it. I just wanted to let you know that I am here. I understand. And I am grateful that you did not allow them to take you down. I am grateful for you.
I am so very grateful for your sharing… I too lived a toxic painful childhood. I have not been able to get to all the details…the pain has finally for the moment stopped. I thought I was going crazy… but when cleaning my grandfathers attic in the garage my husband of the time..(He now my best friend and on paper hubby) found many satanic mind control books. The animals, wild raccoons had gotten in to them so they were quite destroyed. I may never know all the evil I lived thru. What is real what is not.. it left me crippled inside. I courageously face what appears. I have come to a place I can love the abusers and have compassion on what created them to become such vial monsters. Many have passed away, and another has had a stroke. I stay away much from Parents. I struggle with I do love them…but have anger still of a robbed childhood. I live in the it happened, it didnt happen. Or when living in the it happened…all around deny it so I have no one to share with…other then my best friend on paper hubby. And my Female Partner Angel does her best. It is too wicked for her to face some of the deep traumatic energies that still linger. I thank you for sharing your story…I helps me understand me better. It helps me see why I am so raw in real in my healing center. Cause I see the God Damn crap…I feel the trauma in others cause I lived thru it myself. I celebrate you, I hold you in safety and love for when any of those ripples of trauma choose to release.. Know you have a sister by your side. I send you much love and much gratitude for you being able to share your details. I know the details of my abuse within my temple..yet I am told it never happened. I pray for healing for the raging voices of pain that still emerge from time to time…or the energy of shame, confusion or anger that comes from time to time. I too like you have spent huge amounts in healing my spirit my soul, my physical body from the internal scars. My hubby on paper once told me …turn my scars into stars! That remains with me and helps me stand strong thru it all. I may never know all of what happened…but I know I am committed to loving and healing the darkness within me. I choose to love myself even if no one else does. I have done the dance with suicide thoughts and attempts. I am here because of the grace of Creator.. I have a purpose…much as you.. TO LIVE< TO LOVE INSPITE OF ALL WE ENDURED. Love you dear sister of my soul. THank you again for standing up to the lies the pain the trauma. I hold you dear sister. Namaste… You Rock! Thank you for being a brave heart!
It’s true, you are and will always be ‘the light’ to me and have guided me so far since I met you. When we first met I never even guessed there were these layers of pain underneath. My ego will say that is because my talent is ‘seeing the good in people’. But perhaps it is time I learned to look a little deeper otherwise I am only seeing half the person? From my heart, thank you Abi for sharing your story. I willingly send you all the loving, healing energy I am able to, and my true hope is that I can return as much as I receive from you. Bless you xx
Thank you lovely xxx
I have absolutely no words in response to your story, only tears. The Matrix has been a living hell for all of us in one way or another; each of us on an individual journey toward the light and an exit from the matrix. I applaud your courage and determination which must be renewed every 24 hours.
Paths cross in right timing and that you have crossed mine is a miracle. Thank you for going public and allowing your audience to benefit from your wisdom and experience via your solfeggio frequencies and healing sessions. I send love and light to you on the days you need it most guided by spirit.